Britain today marks Halloween in the traditional manner, with an orgy of competitive parenting, inappropriately sexed-up vampire costumes and licensed begging.
"Little Jimmy is loving this fully functioning scale model of the Thames barrier that I threw together over a three month period and then casually plastered all over Facebook," one London mum wrote. Her son James was unable to comment, however, having fallen into a sugar-induced coma after consuming his own weight in Haribos.
Meanwhile, teenagers have enjoyed the opportunity to dress up in a range of inappropriately adult-themed costumes. "What better way to boost my daughter's self-esteem than to have her dress up as a kind of witch-cum-prostitute and go from house to house begging for fun-sized Mars bars?" one parent asked.
While Halloween is increasingly embraced in the UK, traditionalists have bemoaned the way that this largely American invention has eclipsed the celebration of Guy Fawkes night on 5 November. "The materialism of Halloween is just really offensive," a parent complained to us. "In the process we've lost touch with traditional British values, like hating Catholics and setting shit on fire."