London mega-basement provides direct access to Hell

London's basement building boom continues to throw up ever more lavish creations, with a direct access point to the dominion of evil the latest must-have accessory for the capital's super-rich.


We spoke to a builder with intimate knowledge of one lavish project, which involves digging out eight stories beneath a Georgian villa in Bayswater. "Alongside a portal to the fiery pits of the netherworld, the basement will also include a 300-seat porn cinema, a Christian Grey-style Red Room of Pain and a full-sized polo pitch," he told us. Following direct intervention from Mayor Boris Johnson - who has been a stalwart supporter of London's super-rich - the property will have its own private station on the newly-constructed Crossrail line, for the exclusive use of the oligarch owner's staff and prostitutes.


While the construction boom to service London's wealthy elite continues apace, the provision of affordable housing still lags. In fact, Satan is thought to be investing in snow shoes, as hell freezing over is deemed more likely than Boris Johnson doing anything serious about London's housing crisis.


Meanwhile, the Devil himself is digging down, creating a new deepest pit to accommodate the next cohort of evil-doers. "We are actually employing several London-based deep dig specialists to carry out the work," Hell spokesman Dave Beelzebub told us. "No-one has more expertise in the technicalities of the work - and an additional bonus is that they have already worked for many of our new residents."