Seven Great Reasons to Stop Worrying and Love Brexit

Gripped by a deep sense of foreboding and existential dread? Here are seven great reasons to say hello to saying goodbye to the European Union!

Cool Brittania reborn: With this crazy act of rebellion, Britain has transformed itself into the sexy bad boy of Europe. Just think of Nigel Farage as a kind of latter-day James Dean, if James Dean had lived on to become a middle-aged, fag-breathed, saloon-bar racist. After all, what could be more Emo than an act of geopolitical and economic self-harm like turning your back on the world's largest single market?

Democracy reinvigorated: if you want a high turnout, don't ask people to vote for a minimum wage, or better childcare, or action on the housing market. Just give them an opportunity to stick it to some foreigners, and come polling day you won't be able to fend them off with a shitty stick.

Holidaying at home: with the pound dropping ten percent overnight, foreign holidays are off the menu. So why not take the opportunity this summer to acquaint yourself with some of those Vote Leave strongholds: strange, exotic-sounding places like Castle Point or Boston that you only hear about on election night or when there's been a mass-casualty street brawl.

Ruining Glastonbury: Oh no, have the kind of people who don't go to Glastonbury spoilt the lovely, mellow party atmosphere for the kind of people who do go to Glastonbury? Maybe some bongos will make it better, you Trustafarian fuck.

Finding out if experts are really useful or not: Turmoil on financial markets? Concerns about the banking system? Fears over global liquidity? Turns out we do ask the Governor of the Bank of England to help out after all, and not that angry man down the pub. Who knew?

Crying David Cameron: Sure, he may have turned an everyday headache of Party management into Britain's greatest foreign-policy disaster since Suez, but at least we got to see a little chin-wobble at the end. Suck it up, posh-boy! Plus, now at least we can say goodbye to having some self-centred Etonian prick as prime minister, right! Right?

Er... actually that's it. We're so fucked.