What a Year! A Top Ten from 2016

In a year when all the fake news sounded real and all the real news sounded fake, when the UK took leave of the EU and the US took leave of its senses, and when everyone you'd ever heard of died, relive a year of incredible highs with NewsCross's Top Ten of 2016.


10. Southern Rail: Nobody likes going to work, and thanks to Britain's crappiest rail company (a competitive field incidentally so well done guys!) millions of people were spared the ordeal during 2016.


9. Dead celebrities: If 2015 was the year that every celebrity was accused of being a paedophile, then 2016 was the year they were all accused of being dead - except that this time it was more likely to be true. But wasn't it a wonderful opportunity to relive the legacy of epoch-defining cultural icons like David Bowie and Rabbi Lionel Blue once more?

(Postscript: George Michael now? Princess Leia? And Princess Leia's mum? Okay, maybe this shit has gone too far).


8. Rio Olympics: No, I don't remember anything about this either, but at least this time we weren't paying for it.


7. Fake News: Before 2016 things had to actually happen before they got to be considered news. Now the news has been democratised: it is whatever you want to believe has happened. You didn't need to be Rupert Murdoch in order to lie to the public and undermine democracy in 2016: now any Macedonian teenager with a broadband connection and an opaque relationship with Russian intelligence could achieve the same thing.


6. Zac Goldsmith losing an election: losing the Richmond by-election that he needlessly inflicted on his constituents just a year after they had re-elected him. Never ask the electorate for a second opinion.


5. Zac Goldsmith losing an election: losing the London Mayoral election after trying to paint his opponent as a terrorist sympathiser who would seize every piece of jewelery in Neasden to create a giant gold mosque in honour of Islamic State. Unusually for 2016, voters didn't seem to believe this blatant horseshit.


4. Brexit: You always had a nasty nagging suspicion that about half the country were dim-witted, ignorant twats. Isn't it so much nicer to know for certain?*

(* This works whichever side of the debate you were on. Obviously I am talking about Leave voters. Fucking morons).


3. David Cameron's Resignation: The man who put the Knob into Noblesse Oblige gambled his career on Brexit, and defeat saw him scuttle off to spend more time with his money. Farewell, Dave, You have earned your place in the history books. But I wouldn't recommend you read them.


2. Ed Balls: In late Autumn 2016, Ed Balls Day fell every Saturday night. Ed's Gangnam routine looked like one of the Karmasutra's more challenging positions that had somehow been cleared for broadcast before the watershed. There are some things that, once seen, can never be unseen: this was one of those things.


1. Donald Trump elected US President: Forget the Gettysburg Address or Kennedy's Berlin speech, with "Grab em by the Pussy" Trump set a new gold standard for political oratory. But the real lesson for 2017 is surely this: If Donald Trump can become President, then any of us can achieve anything.*
(* This may not apply to women).


What a time to be alive! Happy New Year from everyone at NewsCross.