Children ruining pubs, say parents

Trips to the nation's pubs are being ruined by screaming children running amok, according to the children's parents.

"I went down to our local expecting a quiet meal and a few drinks," exasperated drinker Dave Swift-Half complained to us. "Suddenly there were these screaming brats everywhere, destroying the fucking ambience. And they were still winding me up when we got home. It was a nightmare."

Child-free drinkers acknowledged that the pub's younger clientel could be a nuisance, but "kids will be kids," as one told us. "And why should I complain?" he added. "It's not me who's having to interrupt my pint to go and wipe someone's arse."

Meanwhile, some parents don't see the experience as too different from that of their earlier child-free days. "A lot of things are the same, I suppose," one told us. "The rambling and repetitive conversations, the frequent visits to the toilet, the pointless arguments over absolutely nothing. It just happens a lot earlier in the evening, and while you're still depressingly sober."