Establishment forced to find new ways to abuse children

As the long-awaited inquiry into allegations of historical child sex abuse from within the British establishment gets under way, the UK elite is being forced to find new ways of indulging its deep-seated sadistic impulses towards young people.

As one prominent political figure told us, "back in the seventies or eighties it was simple and no-one asked any questions. The police didn't want to know, and besides they were too busy killing left-wing activists, blacklisting trade unionists and hanging out with organised criminals to be too bothered about Cabinet ministers raping kids in care homes."

"But the days of 'What Happens in Dolphin Square Stays in Dolphin Square' are now over," he laments.

Luckily, Britain's political establishment is nothing if not resourceful, and has found imaginative new ways of destroying the life chances of the nation's young people. Policies such as tripling university tuition fees, the abolition of the Education Maintenance Allowance, the withdrawal of housing benefit from those under 25 and a failure to build affordable homes have allowed the political elite to keep fucking young people, if not literally then at least metaphorically.