Government admits making up "absolutely everything"

The government has been forced to admit that it has made up "absolutely everything" following a series of Freedom of Information (FoI) requests.

Initially the Department for Work and Pensions had to retract a leaflet purporting to quote from actual benefit recipients, after an FoI request revealed that the quotations were completely fictitious. However, subsequent probes revealed that many of the government's other public utterances were also a load of bollocks.

"Our claims that the last government caused the global financial crisis by building schools and hospitals, that migrants represent a threat to our way of life, or that there are families where three generations have never had a job are compete works of fiction," a government spokesman admitted. "Similarly, our previously stated position that David Cameron is anything other than a shiny-faced in-bred pustule had no basis in fact."

The government's admission has also created embarassment for a number of UK newspapers that have been enthusiastic in repeating the government's more outlandish claims without subjecting them to any kind of scrutiny. However, Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre told us that the government's admission was immaterial, as his journalists could "make up this shit themselves with their eyes closed."