Government ponders armed intervention in Labour civil war

The government is considering air strikes against strategic targets in an effort to break the stalemate in Labour's long-running civil war.

The pros and cons of intervention are clouded by the absence of clear "good guys" in the bloody internecine conflict. Forces loyal to the leader Jezir-al-Corbyn have been linked to a number of atrocities, including not kissing the Queen's hand and bowing inappropriately at the cenotaph. However, opposition groups are splintered, and the most fanatical anti-Corbyn forces linked to the hated BS or Blairite State have also been implicated in numerous acts of violence, such as the Iraq war.

Labour's long-running tragedy has taken on greater urgency with the recent surge in refugees, or former Labour voters, seeking sanctuary in other parties. While some have found refuge, others languish in places almost as squalid and frightening as that from which they fled, such as UKIP.

Meanwhile, as Prime Minister David Cameron tonight ponders air strikes against vegetarian restaurants and alternative bookshops across Islington, his party faces its own travails. Allegations have surfaced that the Conservatives may have become bored of bullying the poor, disabled and unemployed and started bullying their own activists. Former party Chairman Grant Shapps has been forced to resign his ministerial portfolio - although he blamed the mishandling of the bullying scandal on a colleague called Michael Green.