North London could sustain life, says NASA

NASA scientists have announced that North London may be capable of supporting primitive life-forms, raising hopes that the barren region could one day see human habitation.

"High resolution photographs from our North London orbiter show small rivulet-like stains on the surface, which suggest evidence of recent water deposits," NASA scientist Dave Roquet-Mann told assembled reporters. "Although at this stage we can't exclude the possibility that it's just dog piss or Stella," he added.

Scientists have long held out the prospect that North London could provide a life-supporting environment. However, the cold and inhospitable climate and almost total absence of atmosphere provide significant barriers to the evolution of intelligent lifeforms. "It's unlikely that any native life in North London could have evolved beyond the most primitive organisms, such as bacteria, letting agents or Chelsea fans," Dr Roquet-Mann told us.

Recent discoveries have filled in some important gaps in our knowledge of South London's apparently lifeless neighbour, but many mysteries remain. For instance, images taken with a high-powered telescope some years ago show what appear to be parallel lines or tracks, frequently intersecting and covering most of the region, as if by design. At one point some had speculated that the lines could even form part of a transport network, perhaps using underground trains to connect neighbourhoods with a frequent and reliable service.

However, this 'tube' theory has been fiercely disputed by mainstream South London scientists, who consider it far-fetched. "How could an arid desert apparently devoid of intelligent life have created a sophisticated public transport network, while we're stuck with SouthEastern?" one asked.