Tories are Bastards - Clegg Memoir's Shocking Revelation

Former deputy prime minister Nick Clegg has shocked the nation with a devastating memoir detailing his five-year attempt to hold back a rapacious Tory-led government by supporting them in everything they did.

The book, which is being serialised in the Guardian, makes a series of breathtaking claims, including the shocking revelations that:

  • George Osborne is indifferent to the plight of the poor - to the extent that he would cut their benefits just to win votes. Who would have imagined that? He always seemed like such a nice person, it's little wonder that he had Nick Clegg fooled for five years.
  • Michael Gove is an ideological zealot with an over-inflated sense of his own intellectual capacity. This revelation will certainly come as a shock to teachers, parents and anyone else with fond memories of his tenure as education secretary.
  • The electorate don't like it when politicians say one thing and then do the exact fucking opposite. Voters are so fickle! They still blame Mr Clegg for voting to triple student fees, just because of a small throwaway comment to the contrary that he made, then signed and mailed to every household in the country before repeating it ad infinitum for the whole of the 2010 election campaign.

One voter told us of her sorrow after reading Mr Clegg's harrowing account of his tenure in government.

"I though I had it bad when the bedroom tax that Nick Clegg voted for left me without enough money to feed my kids," she told us, "but this book broke my heart."

"Especially the bit at the end when all those Lib Dem MPs lost their seats in such an undeserving fashion," she added, sobbing softly as the world's smallest violin struck up a doleful lament.